Midnight Impulse

learning experiences and impulsive decisions

Bitter Jealousy

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I recently came across this article and decided to go ahead and write down the steps that led to the finding the source of my problems.  The author basically tells you to write down all the things you need to change about yourself and to assess what the root of all these problems are.  I had 8 items on my list, and 7 of those were due to lack of motivation and pure laziness.  

The second problem on the list that I needed to change about myself is the fact that I’m a very bitter, jealous person on the inside.  I criticize other girls: how they dress, how they look, how they behave, … you get the picture.  It’s such a horrible thing of me to do.  I’m nowhere near perfect.  I’m not fit enough to judge their recent weight gain over the summer.  I don’t have perfect skin to comment on another girl’s cellulite legs (SO hypocritical, I’ve got it myself), and I’m definitely no judge of how two-faced or gossip-y they are.

This list that I created forced me to face the root of this bitterness, and I realized I’ve been suppressing it for years within myself.  I’m jealous of these other girls.  Very, very jealous.

I realized that I don’t hate them because of the things they do, I hate them for having it so seemingly easy.  What I would give to be that skinny, or be the one kissed by the popular guy at that one party, or to be the one to actually GET the guy that I had a crush on for so long.  

I’m going to work on improving myself: body-wise, self image-wise, motivation-wise, and definitely controlling my jealously and understanding that I don’t look like on the outside what I feel like on the inside.  By this, of course, I mean the shallow thought, “I’m not skinny enough to be that bitchy.”  


Deep inner thought shit right there.



Author: Adelaide Martin

18 year old international student's transition into college life on a new continent.

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