I do not have a thorough comprehension of death. Although I’ve been exposed to it growing up, the feeling of utter devastation has only now begun to hit me. I do not mourn the loss of past family members, but rather for the lives of strangers lost on a daily basis. Big tragedies such as earthquakes and bombings have been recently affecting me on a deeper level than they ever have before.
I cannot stand the thought of a “wasted life.” Who are we to know whether the souls of these people (if souls even exist) will ever get another chance to be? I cannot stand the thought of not existing anymore. I cannot stand the thought of being one second, but not being in the next. I cannot stand the thought of it because I feel victims of tragedy are being robbed of something no one has the right to take away.
My whole family and I have been very lucky in escaping the war in Iraq. Not a single person of my immediate or extended family has been killed or even merely injured in the process, and this is something I know isn’t true for everybody that was caught in that situation. So many lives were shattered …
I hate the uncertainty of life. Lately I’ve been scared to tears every time my dad leaves the house to go get an errand. Perhaps the fact that I’m so close with my him now makes me feel this way. The last time I worried when I was left alone was back during the war. My solution to the problem back then was to accompany my parents just about everywhere they went. I didn’t want to be on my own, and I certainly did not want to be left behind, God forbid anything were to happen to my parents.
I’m being ridiculous, I know I am. I can’t help myself though. I keep imagining all these terrible scenarios in which there’s an accident, and somebody doesn’t make it out, and I end up crying when I’m trying to fall asleep at night. I imagine scenarios of having to raise my younger siblings all on my own. I imagine scenarios of finding my soul mate and then losing them. That is my worst fear. How do you go on after you find your other half?
Funny, I’ve never admitted that to anyone before. I’ve never voiced the thought. I don’t think you should tell people what your biggest fears and dreams are. I don’t want to give them the power to tear me down.