Midnight Impulse

learning experiences and impulsive decisions


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Tabular Overload

As I sit here waiting for a supermarket order of shrimp, parmesan, and macaroni to arrive, Google Chrome is grasping onto dear life what with the 25 tabs I currently have open.  I finally decided to check out other people’s blog, and so I opened several at the same time, as I always do when I see something interesting.  Anyway, I’m browsing, liking/leaving comments, and then deciding whether to follow or not.  

Call it friendly self-advertising, but it’s high time I check out what others are doing rather than selfishly waiting for people to find me.  

Not speaking of which, how are you guys liking my new avatar photo?  I never had one before because I wasn’t sure what to get, this being an anonymous blog and all.  But then I had the inspiration from a photograph saved up on my computer and google search led to google search led to EUREKA, an awesome pic from my favourite animated movie.  

Anywho, off to continue waiting for my salad ingredients to arrive, reading the contents of 25 tabs, and Netflixing Breaking Bad.

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Summer Reading

For those bookworms who’ve been dormant the past several months due to school work, you guys know that summer vacation is just the best time to wake from our long stuppor and READ again.  I’ve barely read anything this school year.  So little, in fact, that I pathetically added books we’ve read in class to my Goodreads 2013 Reading Challenge List because I felt terrible not having read anything throughout the school year.

I’ve been hauled up in my bedroom reading since school let out on Friday.  So far, I managed to finally finish the popular A Game of Thrones by George R. R. Martin (which I started in January), sped through Rebecca Stead’s When You Reach Me, am on my way to get through Isaac Morrion’s Warm Bodies, and have started Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita.

Warm Bodies Isaac Morion

I have to say, A Game of Thrones got pretty boring at some point.  But for those struggling to make it through this 800-page tome, just stick with it.  It gets good again in the last 50 pages.  I’m definitely planning on starting to read the second in the series, A Clash of Kings, very soon.  For zombie lit lovers out there, I have to say that Warm Bodies is quite incredible.  I’ve got 30 pages left, but I’m pretty sure this is my new favourite book.  Author Isaac Morrion portrays zombies in a new light and vividly illustrates the Dead’s thoughts, making the reader do the unexpected:  sympathise with the zombies.  I haven’t watched the movie yet, but I will as soon as I finish the novel.

For those unsure where to start their summer reading lists, here’s a couple lists to get you started.  Whether you’re into reading a wide variety of modern and classic novels or just plain hipster ones, these flowcharts have got you covered.

I currently have a huge Goodreads list of about 180 books that needs to be tackled (I’d love to read 15 books this summer) and I cannot wait to see more books move from my “to-read” shelf into my “read” shelf.

Off to the reading cave!

Happy readings,

Addie


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Weight Loss

I came to a realisation today that it’s not my stomach that’s always hungry, it’s my mouth.  And my mind.  I’m so used to stuffing myself to the brim, shoving in mouthful after mouthful, that I’ve stopped actually trying to figure out if I’m hungry or just habitually wanting to chew something.  This became clear to me after experiencing a sharp pain in the left side of my stomach after eating a plate of spaghetti and two pieces of mille-feuille at 7 at night when a couple of crackers and some water would’ve probably sufficed.

Every night I eat large proportions, and every morning I tell myself that tonight, I shall restrain myself.  Usually, I don’t even catch myself eating these huge meals, but tonight, I did.  I knew what I was doing was wrong and that it will disable my body from losing weight at night, but I went ahead down to the kitchen anyway.  I even fucking weighed myself before going downstairs, and I saw the digits (5 kilos since the beginning of the 2012 school year, for those interested).  I need to learn how to control myself.  Food should be savoured, not shoveled in.  There’s plenty of it and it’s not going anywhere, I don’t need to feel this rush to eat it all the day it’s bought.

I signed up to the gym today, a year-long membership.  Last time, I was signed up for six months.  Throughout the six months, I went a maximum of 20 times.  Quite pathetic.  My mom and dad both think this was a pointless and money-wasting decision, since they both know (hell, I know too) that it doesn’t matter how much I go to the gym unless I control my proportions.

Your gut (literally) must be really trying to tell you something when you feel ashamed filling up your plate when others are in the kitchen, even if they are your own parents.

I don’t want to make any promises because I always break those, and I don’t want to say “I hope” because my hope is useless.  I keep seeing myself thin, but for the past … lifetime, I haven’t taken a single step to achieve this vision.  “Nothing worth having is easy,” and weight loss sure doesn’t sound easy, especially when you’re looking at 50 kilos.  My ideal weight is meant to be 46 Kg (I’m really short) but my goal for now is to at least just be 70; to get out of the super-risk zone that’s putting my physical health in danger in the long run.

Keep you updated on how this pans out,

Adelaide


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Losing Touch

I feel like I have nothing left in common with my best friend.  It’s never really bothered me before, but now, more than ever, do I feel the differences between the two of us, between Tsunami and I.  I remember at some point we had a common morality, a common voice, a common enemy.  But lately all I notice is our differences.  We’re at different stages in our lives: she’s in university, I’m still in high school; she’s finally learned how to socialise while I still sit separately, waiting to be approached; she’s working on some budding flirtationship with a guy from her university while I still hold my never-been-kissed status (except for once while playing Spin the Bottle, but that doesn’t count).  All this being said, I see more common interests between her and this other girl, Duchess.  Duchess always has something to say.  Always has an eventful day.  Always needs someone to talk to about her “problems.”  It bothers me how much attention she requires.  It bothers me how the last 3 days I’ve been out with “friends,” I felt like it was Duchess, her best friend (also my best friend) Tsunami, and this new girl, Hearts.  And then there’s me.  I don’t feel like I’m a part of the group.  Duchess and I were never close, but even though we’ve known each other for a long time and have a common best friend, I still feel like I’m intruding every time she holds a conversation with Tsunami and Hearts.  

The three other girls can all relate to one another better than I ever can.  I feel like I’m losing touch with my best friend.  I feel like I’m holding her back, and I feel miserable when I’m around her and other people because I feel left behind.  I don’t really want to be around any of them for the time being, and I don’t want to be keeping in touch with anyone, even Tsunami.

Feel free to give advice if you have any.

Thank you,

Adelaide


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What I Wish I Could Tell You

I have not been in a good mood lately.  It’s like I’m constantly pissed off, no matter what, at something or the other and it’s a real downer to the point where I’m sure everyone is just sick of me by now.  I feel so … uninteresting while everyone else around me has their own shit going on, and like a lot of it.  The girls all have a million guys giving them attention, the guys are getting with the girls they’ve always wanted to be with, and then there’s me.  Just sitting off in the corner wondering why the fuck I showed up when I knew I would a) feel left out and b) act pissed off.  

The worst of it is that I’m giving my best friend all the shit for this, even though none of it is her fault.  She’s trying, but I constantly push her away or channel my anger towards her, and I need to stop doing it especially since I KNOW I’m doing it.  She tries to ask me what’s wrong, but I just can’t tell her.  I’m so bad at confrontation and I feel so incredibly pathetic admitting what’s wrong.  

“Tsunami, what’s wrong is the fact that I have nothing going on for me while everyone else does.  No matter what I do, I’ll always be the fat friend off on the side, terrible at socialising while wishing, hoping to get attention from someone.  I hate how Duchess always has something new to tell you, something interesting, because everyday for her is eventful.  You’re always there to listen to her because she has something to say, but I don’t.  But I wish I did.  I feel jealous that you’re always with her, and I feel jealous OF her for having an eventful life.  All I can think of to do right now is to distance myself from you all.  I’m constantly bringing down the vibe and I need to figure out how to deal with myself before I’m around other people.”

And that’s that.  I don’t think I want to see anyone for a while.

Keep you posted,

Adelaide


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[Not My] Graduation Part III: Nothing Good Happens After 2 AM/The Ending

Now I’m home, writing all this down.  I had a very brief Whatapp conversation with Tsunami just now, concerning the mood I’m in.  I told her I’m party mad at her but mostly I’m mad at myself.  She asked why.  I told her I couldn’t tell her that, that I didn’t feel like talking about it.  After trying to persist, she sees I won’t budge and calls it a day, giving me a half-hearted good night, as she rightly can say.

I couldn’t give her my reasons because I feel that even though we’re best friends, some things are still private.  Some things are too embarrassing to discuss.  Some things she just won’t understand.  And so here’s the hard part I cried over tonight and am now crying because of: I’m mad at the way I am.  I’m mad at myself for being overweight even though I’ve had all this time to take initiative and change that but haven’t.  I’m mad at her for not including me in her shit and being incredibly supportive and caring towards Duchess more than she is towards me.  I’m mad because I don’t receive the amount of attention I wish to receive, from both interesting girls and cute guys.  Here in this party I finally got to meet and speak to this guy I’ve been hearing about for the past two years, and turns out he’s incredibly sweet and charming, likes the same music as I do, and–total plus here–seriously cute.  But the part that I’m so mad about is that anything I do or think is pathetic and futile, because here’s this charming and sweet and cute boy who could get anyone he pleases, so why would he ever … ?  Why would he even consider … me?

(Click here to read Part I)

(Click here to read Part II)


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[Not My] Graduation Part II: Young’s Advice

The male graduate’s younger brother and I (who also happens to be my classmate) drift into a political conversation, discussing race and nationalism-based hatred of these races.  I hear out his opinion on the matter, but eventually, I burst out with, “No, I’m sorry, I just can’t see it that way.  I could never hate a Turk or and Azeri just because they’re Turks and Azeris.  I just can’t do that.  Especially after the whole–insert nationality at issue here*–situation this year.”  The younger brother (we’ll call him Young) and a cute guy sitting nearby bursts out, “What –insert nationality at issue here–situation?”  In true, utter surprise.  I proceed to retell how this year, what with the addition of the two new INISH sisters, I’ve been having problems with them that I’ve never faced before.  The older sister continuously glared at me from the first day of school and yelled at me the first time I spoke to her.  The younger sister never behaved that way until I got fed up with something the older sister had done and, in anger, hurt, and pain, went to my favourite teacher (who also happens to be the most anti-racism one in the school) and let her know about what had happened.  She agreed to show a sheet of paper previously signed by all students in high school stating that they must “respect all students, teachers, and staff.”

This was, APPARENTLY, not the right thing to do.  It backfired and only ended up making the younger sister hate me as well, whom had been previously alright with me.  As I vented this all out to Young, who happens to be a close friend with the younger INISH girl.  Being the genuinely kind and thoughtful person he is, he gave me advice on how to deal with the issue.  He believes I should go and apologise to her at the start of the next school year (since this one is over) but not to expect anything back.  This was something I’ve actually been mulling over for a long time now.  I acted like a bitch by snitching and I shouldn’t have provoked the older sister in the first place, so an apology is needed here somewhere.  Not to the older sister, of course (I still hate her for hating me for such an ignorant and idiotic reason), but to the younger sister, who, according to Young, like me, “refused to hate someone if they hadn’t done anything wrong to her personally.”  So on that note, I definitely will be needing to make some peace agreement.  I truly hope she will listen to me when I try to talk to her though.

Meanwhile, while I was getting advice from Young whilst helping him clear up the mess the drunk guy had created (the trash part of the mess.  We didn’t even bother with the vomit that now covered the carpet and sofa) Tsunami was standing in the doorway of the guesthouse asking me to come with her to the main house to get her stuff.  Three times I repeated that I’m talking to Young about something important till she said “ok then” and left.  I immediately got this feeling of anger in me over how unsupportive she was being.  I hated the fact that she was trying to interrupt me from something so important to me, even though I’d several times told her how much this INISH situation was getting to me.  I hated how she’d previously stated that she’d “totally go to the older INISH girl’s birthday party because she’s rich,” and how just today Tsunami had commented on how pretty they are. I realise I’m only playing the card that those two girls are playing, but I just can’t stand hearing my best friend positively commenting on the “enemy’s” good aspects.  It kills me on the inside and always sends me into a bad mood.

I headed back into the main house after finishing cleaning up (well, most of it at least) and getting advice from Young.  I found Tsunami at the entrance of the house.  At this point we’re all waiting for our taxis to come.  After a friend smartly figures out he should leave the room to let us talk, she asks me why I’m so mad.  I accuse her of not supporting me when it comes to the INISH girls.  This is refuted with the fact that what she’s said isn’t anything major and that’d she’d already previously stated how she totally disagrees with the racism going on, but this doesn’t do it for me.  Fearing I’d start tearing up, I walk into the kitchen to get water with a murmured “that settles it, then.”  I coldly walk out the main entrance to the gate where the taxis are waiting, despite Tsunami’s call and suggestion to walk with the group rather than alone.  I shrug this off and continue on my way.

*I felt like adding in the exact nationality of these two girls in here is making it much too easy.  I don’t want to be spreading hatred or stereotypes or identifiable clues to my identity, so I’ll be leaving this blank for now, for you the readers to imagine what countries have issues with whom.  From now on, the shortened version of “insert nationality at issue here” will be INISH.

(cont. in Part III)

(for Part I, click here)