Now I’m home, writing all this down. I had a very brief Whatapp conversation with Tsunami just now, concerning the mood I’m in. I told her I’m party mad at her but mostly I’m mad at myself. She asked why. I told her I couldn’t tell her that, that I didn’t feel like talking about it. After trying to persist, she sees I won’t budge and calls it a day, giving me a half-hearted good night, as she rightly can say.
I couldn’t give her my reasons because I feel that even though we’re best friends, some things are still private. Some things are too embarrassing to discuss. Some things she just won’t understand. And so here’s the hard part I cried over tonight and am now crying because of: I’m mad at the way I am. I’m mad at myself for being overweight even though I’ve had all this time to take initiative and change that but haven’t. I’m mad at her for not including me in her shit and being incredibly supportive and caring towards Duchess more than she is towards me. I’m mad because I don’t receive the amount of attention I wish to receive, from both interesting girls and cute guys. Here in this party I finally got to meet and speak to this guy I’ve been hearing about for the past two years, and turns out he’s incredibly sweet and charming, likes the same music as I do, and–total plus here–seriously cute. But the part that I’m so mad about is that anything I do or think is pathetic and futile, because here’s this charming and sweet and cute boy who could get anyone he pleases, so why would he ever … ? Why would he even consider … me?
(Click here to read Part I)
(Click here to read Part II)