Midnight Impulse

learning experiences and impulsive decisions

What I Wish I Could Tell You

2 Comments

I have not been in a good mood lately.  It’s like I’m constantly pissed off, no matter what, at something or the other and it’s a real downer to the point where I’m sure everyone is just sick of me by now.  I feel so … uninteresting while everyone else around me has their own shit going on, and like a lot of it.  The girls all have a million guys giving them attention, the guys are getting with the girls they’ve always wanted to be with, and then there’s me.  Just sitting off in the corner wondering why the fuck I showed up when I knew I would a) feel left out and b) act pissed off.  

The worst of it is that I’m giving my best friend all the shit for this, even though none of it is her fault.  She’s trying, but I constantly push her away or channel my anger towards her, and I need to stop doing it especially since I KNOW I’m doing it.  She tries to ask me what’s wrong, but I just can’t tell her.  I’m so bad at confrontation and I feel so incredibly pathetic admitting what’s wrong.  

“Tsunami, what’s wrong is the fact that I have nothing going on for me while everyone else does.  No matter what I do, I’ll always be the fat friend off on the side, terrible at socialising while wishing, hoping to get attention from someone.  I hate how Duchess always has something new to tell you, something interesting, because everyday for her is eventful.  You’re always there to listen to her because she has something to say, but I don’t.  But I wish I did.  I feel jealous that you’re always with her, and I feel jealous OF her for having an eventful life.  All I can think of to do right now is to distance myself from you all.  I’m constantly bringing down the vibe and I need to figure out how to deal with myself before I’m around other people.”

And that’s that.  I don’t think I want to see anyone for a while.

Keep you posted,

Adelaide

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Author: Adelaide Martin

18 year old international student's transition into college life on a new continent.

2 thoughts on “What I Wish I Could Tell You

  1. Hey girl,

    Just stumbled across your blog. Honestly, I’m really not a huge blogger, but I couldn’t help but leave a comment.

    I’d just like to say: I’m sorry shit sucks right now. Trust me, I know the feeling – in fact, I guarantee you, every kid has experienced something similar. It sucks. But there’s two things you need to know:

    1) You’re in high school, and high school doesn’t offer much. I’m assuming you’re done now, or almost done this year. But just always be aware in the future that the world is so much bigger than the kids you see there. Of course, don’t dismiss these years, in fact do everything in your power to be BOLD and be BRAVE and GET INVOLVED, it’ll help make your high school years sweet! Trust me, I went from being that awkward kid in the corner with one best buddy, to Prom Queen two years later – and all because I slipped into some extracurriculars and stumbled into some great friendships, and learned how to socialize! These are your years of growth! So forgive yourself for your awkwardness, and have some fun! Be light hearted and get involved! trust me, the first steps make all the difference.

    2) Like I said, this is your time of growth. You can be anything you set your mind to. Your young and you have ideas and goals. Set these to fruition! Take the steps to reach your goals. If you’re unhappy about your weight try running lightly, then practise, then join the xc team next year! For me, being fit is super important in regards to my mental health, it definitely makes me a lot happier to be physically healthy. If you love art or music, be engaged in class and try out the band! Literally, do EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER to do what you love, and follow your passions. It’s a time to find yourself, but you can’t find yourself if you’re not looking. If you have any Leadership groups at your school, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND you join one.

    Things will come together, just get out there and start living and things will figure themselves out. The first steps are always the hardest at this stage in your life.
    Also, I think it’s great you’re blogging, it’s a great outlet! Keep up the awesome work!

    “Kid, you’ll move mountains”

    ❤ el

    • Thank you so much for the incredibly thoughtful comment ❤ I'm really glad to say that things have gotten better in the past month since I wrote this entry, and I know there's yet room for improvement. My school doesn't offer too much, so I need to find stuff to get involved with outside of school (which is honestly terrifying and kind of harder, but I'm trying to find stuff I'm interested in). I think it's really cool how you managed to transform throughout your high school years! I'm definitely taking your advice to heart. Again, thanks so much for the advice!
      Off to drawing some new fashion concept I just thought of

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