I have not been in a good mood lately. It’s like I’m constantly pissed off, no matter what, at something or the other and it’s a real downer to the point where I’m sure everyone is just sick of me by now. I feel so … uninteresting while everyone else around me has their own shit going on, and like a lot of it. The girls all have a million guys giving them attention, the guys are getting with the girls they’ve always wanted to be with, and then there’s me. Just sitting off in the corner wondering why the fuck I showed up when I knew I would a) feel left out and b) act pissed off.
The worst of it is that I’m giving my best friend all the shit for this, even though none of it is her fault. She’s trying, but I constantly push her away or channel my anger towards her, and I need to stop doing it especially since I KNOW I’m doing it. She tries to ask me what’s wrong, but I just can’t tell her. I’m so bad at confrontation and I feel so incredibly pathetic admitting what’s wrong.
“Tsunami, what’s wrong is the fact that I have nothing going on for me while everyone else does. No matter what I do, I’ll always be the fat friend off on the side, terrible at socialising while wishing, hoping to get attention from someone. I hate how Duchess always has something new to tell you, something interesting, because everyday for her is eventful. You’re always there to listen to her because she has something to say, but I don’t. But I wish I did. I feel jealous that you’re always with her, and I feel jealous OF her for having an eventful life. All I can think of to do right now is to distance myself from you all. I’m constantly bringing down the vibe and I need to figure out how to deal with myself before I’m around other people.”
And that’s that. I don’t think I want to see anyone for a while.
Keep you posted,