I came to a realisation today that it’s not my stomach that’s always hungry, it’s my mouth. And my mind. I’m so used to stuffing myself to the brim, shoving in mouthful after mouthful, that I’ve stopped actually trying to figure out if I’m hungry or just habitually wanting to chew something. This became clear to me after experiencing a sharp pain in the left side of my stomach after eating a plate of spaghetti and two pieces of mille-feuille at 7 at night when a couple of crackers and some water would’ve probably sufficed.
Every night I eat large proportions, and every morning I tell myself that tonight, I shall restrain myself. Usually, I don’t even catch myself eating these huge meals, but tonight, I did. I knew what I was doing was wrong and that it will disable my body from losing weight at night, but I went ahead down to the kitchen anyway. I even fucking weighed myself before going downstairs, and I saw the digits (5 kilos since the beginning of the 2012 school year, for those interested). I need to learn how to control myself. Food should be savoured, not shoveled in. There’s plenty of it and it’s not going anywhere, I don’t need to feel this rush to eat it all the day it’s bought.
I signed up to the gym today, a year-long membership. Last time, I was signed up for six months. Throughout the six months, I went a maximum of 20 times. Quite pathetic. My mom and dad both think this was a pointless and money-wasting decision, since they both know (hell, I know too) that it doesn’t matter how much I go to the gym unless I control my proportions.
Your gut (literally) must be really trying to tell you something when you feel ashamed filling up your plate when others are in the kitchen, even if they are your own parents.
I don’t want to make any promises because I always break those, and I don’t want to say “I hope” because my hope is useless. I keep seeing myself thin, but for the past … lifetime, I haven’t taken a single step to achieve this vision. “Nothing worth having is easy,” and weight loss sure doesn’t sound easy, especially when you’re looking at 50 kilos. My ideal weight is meant to be 46 Kg (I’m really short) but my goal for now is to at least just be 70; to get out of the super-risk zone that’s putting my physical health in danger in the long run.
Keep you updated on how this pans out,