Midnight Impulse

learning experiences and impulsive decisions

Secret Ambitions

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I think everyone, on one level or another, is afraid of judgment.  Even if you’re one of those people that claims that “you don’t give a shit what others think,” you do.  Humans want to be accepted and are afraid of rejection.  Ever since the 8th grade, I’ve been telling people I want to be a journalist.  While that is still my #1 goal, lately I’ve been fostering a secret ambition that I’ve been too afraid to tell anyone about.  I know my parents will support me, and I know my friends will too .. but I still keep it to myself.  I’m afraid that many will think it’s not the right career for me; that I’m not suitable for such a position and would be bad at it.  More so, I’m afraid they’ll be right.

I have told literally no one breathing person about this.  I don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to admit it even to myself.  I don’t understand why I’m even so drawn to this idea that I haven’t even fully thought through yet, but here goes:

A part of me wants to be a teacher.

I mean, how cool would it be to teach at an international level?  Not in an English speaking country, but somewhere else.  Maybe I’ll teach English as a second language in a local school somewhere in Asia, or maybe I’ll get a degree in history and English and teach at an international high school somewhere.  There’s something that sounds so great about being a direct influence on someone, to guide an adolescent through their tough years and help them figure themselves out.  And to be remembered.  That’s my other goal: to leave a lasting good influence on as many people as I can.

I’ve had such excellent teachers throughout my four years in high school, all influencing me into becoming a different, better person.  My socially awkward history teacher led me to an epiphany about my faith as well as realising I wanted to become a journalist.  The fiercely independent English teacher encouraged me to come up with my own opinions and stick to them, however controversial they might be.  My genius of a math teacher has showed me that there are a multitude of approaches to learning one thing.  The young science teacher is inspiration to any woman seeking a scientific career; she has broken my stereotype of science people by being a light-hearted, funny, interesting, and fashionable woman.  My new economics teacher has proven to me that age does not equate to loss of youth, and my new writing teacher is proving that a history in military training makes for an interesting approach to handling a classroom.  

I owe my ambition to them.  I want to be like these dedicated men and women, influencing kids on a day-to-day basis and living off in a country foreign to them in language and tradition.  So why is it that I can’t admit this to any of them?  To my family?  I keep thinking that teaching is a good alternative if the journalism things totally fails.  It’s a stable job with stable pay, plus I can still live where ever I want and travel throughout the breaks.  But I’m just so afraid of becoming like the teachers I have left off my list of praise.  The ones who I’ve met, hated, and had no respect for as educators and as people.

I hope to have the sense to realise what I’m bad at, and I hope I have the courage to pursue my dreams without being judged for them.




Author: Adelaide Martin

18 year old international student's transition into college life on a new continent.

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