Midnight Impulse

learning experiences and impulsive decisions

All the Wrong Thoughts


School started today.  After having spent basically the entire break daydreaming about a certain someone, seeing him today for the first time reminded me that he’s a real person.  It’s a strange feeling, but it kind of hit me how he isn’t who I’m imagining, that he wouldn’t do or say the things I make him say in my head.  All this, however, came after I had to resist every urge in my body not to walk up and kiss him on the cheek.  WEIRDEST.  FEELING.  EVER.  It felt like the natural thing to do!  I wanted to walk up and greet him with a kiss on the cheek because he just looked so pretty that I could barely resist.  But I did.  I have no intentions of starting the second semester off with something that weird.

On some level I feel guilty thinking about his so much.  Isn’t it strange how you could think and think of a person and they’ll never even know it?  You can obsess over them.  You can wake up and go to bed thinking about that single being, imagine a whole life and a million scenarios with them … and they will have absolutely no idea what’s going on in your head.

I guess I feel bad thinking about him the way I do–he’s not mine.  He belongs to someone else at the moment.  And he can’t be mine.  If I was older or he was younger or if I was thinner at least.  *Sigh*.  My chest heaves when I hear his footsteps clacking loudly down the hall.  Making eye contact with him makes me nervous.  I am always suddenly and horrifyingly aware of how awkward I look just standing there, not knowing what to do with my hands, when he’s speaking to me.  I hang on his every word.  Today my hand brushed up against his and I noticed he has dry skin.  I’ve got some infatuation going on.  At the same time, I am not the least bit jealous of his girlfriend.  They make the cutest couple, and he’s always genuinely happy when he speaks about her.

Some days I wish I could be with him, others I want to just get to know him.  To unearth him and know all his opinions.  Every day, however, I wish him and his love interest (as he calls her) to have a wonderful future together.


Author: Adelaide Martin

18 year old international student's transition into college life on a new continent.

4 thoughts on “All the Wrong Thoughts

  1. This sounds terrible :/
    such struggles. We’ve all had that one senior crush ❤

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