Midnight Impulse

learning experiences and impulsive decisions


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Church on Monday

The original Green Day song was titled “Church on Sunday,” but we’ll just have to make do with our circumstance.  Today, January 6th, we celebrated Armenian Christmas by going to church in the morning.  Christmas isn’t usually a big deal with my family because we do all the present-giving and food on New Year’s, so there’s never anything special left to do on the 6th.  We were planing to stay for the sermon for an hour and a half till 1PM, except it was so freezing cold inside we left forty minutes in.  We lit up candles in the–warm–candle room and went out for lunch in the city.

Now I can’t recall the last time I discussed faith or my opinion of it.  I’m not a religious person.  I was baptised and raised religiously but never managed to believe a word of it.  I found loopholes and a lot of things seemed completely illogical so I was always asking the adults around me questions they didn’t have the answers to.  I guess I “came out” to my parents a couple years ago, to which there was much uproar.  My mom is very religious, so she still sometimes tries to tell me interesting stories about miracles and how wonderful faith is.  I listen to her; I appreciate how she tries; and I respect her faith.  But I could never see myself being like that.  I think once you’ve already developed doubt in god it immediately disables you from ever fully believing again.  

I can’t make up my mind on what I do believe in.  A part of me hopes that there is some sort of afterlife, that death isn’t the absolute end…except I know in my mind that we are just organic bodies with no meaning or purpose other than to procreate.  And yet I believe everything happens for a reason.  I believe in reincarnation–the Before Sunrise version of it, at least.  It’s that in the beginning there were a number of souls, say a thousand, and as the population grew and grew, these souls split up over and over again and were placed into different people.  This explains why you meet people that remind you of others you know–or even yourself.  It’s that feeling you get when you meet a “a kindred spirit.”

This is where my confliction lies: I’m too logical to be agnostic but I seek too much meaning to be an atheist.  I should just refute my belief in everything outside of my own brain and take on solipsism.  That’s the coolest of all beliefs.

Sorry I’ve just put you through reading about my hippy-dippy personal mythology.

Take care and Merry Christmas,

Addelaide

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“Science adjusts its views based on what’s observed. Faith is the denial of observation so that belief can be preserved” -Tim Minchin


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A Writer in Waiting

I am an excellent Plot.  I have just been conceived out of thin air, now I make my womb in the mind of my creator.  I have not yet developed.  I do not know whether I will be the plot for a short story, a movie, a book … perhaps I am a mere blog post.  Whatever I become, I have the potential of being born, of making an influence, of being known.  I hope my creator will not forget about me. 

I am Doubt.  I wouldn’t dare allow Plot to make its way into the physical world.  What if it turns out awful?  What if it wreaks havoc on all those that read it?  That will bring shame to it’s creator.  I reside in the depths of The Creator’s brain.  I am the one who does not allow The Creator to do all as he pleases.  I do this for his own good.  I do not wish for him to be mocked.  After all, how can he be mocked if he never expresses himself?  He will have nothing to be mocked for.

I am Ambition.  I am great.  I am the largest power guiding The Creator.  He has potential but doesn’t act on it.  He’s too busy listening to Doubt, that tiny nagger that won’t shut up.  Doubt holds The Creator back.  I don’t know why he’s still around.  I wish Doubt would stop What If-ing The Creator.  If only he would listen to me.  He would see.  He would see just how wonderful he is.  The Creator would finally see how incredible his ideas are.  He would finally allow his creative powers out into the world.  Doubt says that The Creator cannot be mocked if he never expresses himself, but he cannot be praised either.  He cannot rise if he is not willing to fall.

I am a writer in waiting.  My thoughts are plentiful.  They keep me up at night.  Everyday, they become more and more colourful, more and more vivid, and more and more anxious to get out.  I cannot stop myself from writing them down, so as not to forget.  But I cannot bring myself to expand on them, to properly form them.  I daydream of publishing my own work, to be known, to be heard.  But what if I’m bad at writing?  What if everyone hates my thoughts and I become the latest joke author?  … But what if they love it?  What if I connect to millions?  What if my words are the ones that bring solace to the lost?  The ones that inspire others to do as I did–to follow their Ambitions?

I am a writer.  I have thoughts and I have my own unique way with words.  I have a perception like no other and I have solid opinions.  I have ideas that need to break out of my mind, to breath the air around them.  My ideas need a change of scenery.  Their new home shall be on paper, where they can be seen and developed and intertwined with other ideas until they are ready to be seen by the whole world.  So what if I am criticized?  If at first I don’t succeed, I will try, try again.  I will not allow my one fear to trump the hundred reasons to try.


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2014 Resolutions

I didn’t give much thought to them before December 31, but now I figured them out: in 2014, I aim to be less bossy.  I will work to stop nagging people to do their work (because it’s annoying and I’m a hypocrite) and I will not correct anyone’s grammatical mistakes unless asked.

I sent my common applications off to New York University and Boston University, and I must say it feels really nice to be over with them.  I now have Emerson College due on the 15th, Concordia University (Montreal) due February 1st, and John Cabot due I-honestly-have-no-idea-when.  Should probably figure that one out.

I’m upset with myself for not doing AP work like I was meant to.  I’m five units behind in two classes, and now I’m going to be even more behind because semester two of the courses (AP Psychology and Latin I) will be starting.  But what can I do?  I have no choice other than to sit down and finish my work.  

We go back to school on Tuesday (Armenian Christmas is on Monday, January 6, so they have to give us that for break) and this semester I have nine classes (out of only three required classes), three of which are online.  It’s great to know that the school internet is good enough for me to do work during school hours.  Except you know.  IT’S NOT.  So online classes=home classes.  I have after school activities everyday: Mondays and Wednesdays we have volleyball practice, Tuesdays and Fridays we have Yearbook (which I am proud to say I will be teacher-aiding during it!) and MUN on Thursdays, plus 20-minute Student Council meetings during morning break on Tuesdays.  

This semester I plan to actually spend time at the gym.  Last fall I kept on making the excuse that I have too much work to do to work out, but everyday I ended up neither exercising nor well, doing my exercises.  


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Accomplishments and Hopes

I was just looking back over the post I made exactly a year ago.  It was my hopes for 2013.  Let’s keep this short with bullet points:

2012-Adelaide’s hopes for 2013-Adelaide:

  • Taking the SAT in January, May, and November CHECK
  • Worrying that my math score will be shit (it was) (680 in Critical Reading; 670 in Writing; and 540 in Math 😦 )CHECK
  • Hopes to go on the MUN trip to Amsterdam CHECK
  • Taking the AP Writing exam CHECK (but sucked, got a 3/5)
  • Touring universities over the summer NOPE DIDN’T HAPPEN
  • Sending out uni apps IN PROCESS (I have about 24 hours left till the deadline oh god fuckkkk)
  • Changing my attitude and mindset CHECK (Rather than focusing on being jealous, I’ve adopted an I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude)
  • Write more EHHH (I make journal entries now and then …)
  • Draw more NOPE
  • Take more photographs EHHH (Not so much, but the few that I have been taking are better than my earlier works)

And there’s 2013 in accomplishments.  Oh and I also ended up taking the TOEFL recently and scored a 114/120.  Woohoo!

My hopes for 2014 are as follows:

  • Not having a mental breakdown
  • Seriously, not having a mental breakdown.
  • Keeping up with all my classes
  • Not fucking up my grades in any of my classes
  • Getting accepted into A university (any.  Please.  Oh god.)
  • Not having a mental breakdown while waiting for my acceptance/rejection letters
  • Graduating with my class in June
  • Not having a mental breakdown
  • Not pissing everyone off
  • Not having a mental breakdown throughout my first semester in university


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When You Know The Topic is Wrong

It doesn’t really feel like New Year’s today.  There’s something up with the weather.  My friend says it’s cold to celebrate while I don’t think there’s enough snow.  The house is decorated, but I haven’t been in a festive mood at all.  

My mom’s in a bad mood and I’m not sure why.  I guess she’s stressed?  There’s always a lot of cooking going on New Year’s Eve.  Plus there’s the whole finding a way to dispense the presents without the kids seeing who’s doing it.  I cleaned up the dishes and the my took my stuff off the dining table like she asked, and later I asked if there’s anything that she needs me to do, but she’s being cold and refusing me.  I hate when she does that.  

In other news, the university application deadline is tomorrow, January 1st.  Great date, really.  Thanks a bunch for whoever set that up.  I’m going to have to take Syracuse University off my list because I’m having issues with recommendation letters (long, boring story).  I suppose they weren’t really my first choice anyway.  I added Syracuse because they offered both Education and Fashion Design, which are both second-choice majors for me.  Tomorrow, I’ll be just sending in my application to New York University, my dream school that will most likely shoot me down.  Keeping that in mind, I still want to make certain what they think of me.  

On the 3rd I’m turning in my application for Boston University, my current favourite off my list.  They offer so many study options and have a really strong Journalism programme.  Unfortunately, I missed the scholarship deadline by a month due to being stupid and not checking beforehand.  

I still haven’t written my personal statement.  I don’t know what I’m waiting for.  I’d originally went for the “background story” option that the Common Application offers, but the story just isn’t right.  I can’t lead it into the right direction (not that I know where that is) so I figure I should choose a different topic entirely and start over.  You know you’ve picked the wrong topic when you cannot bring yourself to work with it.

 

Happy New Year to you all and hope to be seeing you in 2014!

Adelaide Martin